Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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