And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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