Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize