If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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