Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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