i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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