The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
