Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
