If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
