well I can't set my house on fire every night
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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