Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
this is an emotional support booty call
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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