Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
