My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
