i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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