i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
