Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
