i think my tv is drunk
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
my poor anus
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
