Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
