So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
