1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Plan B is the new Plan A
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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