Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
