One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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