If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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