just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
