chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize