can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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