He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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