There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
