Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
