I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
