she woke up with a sticky ear
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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