You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
be right there i have to get my cape
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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