so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
