ya dads aren't the best wingmen
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
