i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
