If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
