just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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