Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
