If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It all started with a game of naked twister.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
