Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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