i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
