guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
