I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
