Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
