someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
