He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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