the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
