im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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