my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
