I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
