A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
