I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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