good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
