I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
