She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Randomize
