The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
