I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
