if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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