I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
