you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
