You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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