Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
